Most Visitors arriving by sea or through the Channel Tunnel will enter Britain through Dover, Ramsgate or Folkestone. Here's how to get laid in these places. There are three ways to find a girl - the local weekly newspaper, or the 'Daily Sport', or a card-sized advert in a shop window, usually a city-centre newsagent. The local papers usually appear on Thursdays, cost around 40 pence, and list around 10 girls and a few massage establishments within a radius of 40 miles. The Sport lists hundreds, but you need to know your British dialling codes and/or the road numbering system to make sense of many of them. 01843 is the dialling code for Thanet area (Margate, Ramsgate), 01303 is Folkestone, 01304 is Dover and 01227 is Canterbury, Herne Bay. M20J8 means 'near Junction 8 on Motorway M20'. Many of the girls now use mobiles (these have codes that DO NOT start with '01'). If you ring their phone numbers, you will often be disappointed. No reply, 'not working today', 'try again later' are responses you will often get. The ones who are 'doing business today' have an off-putting habit of directing first-time callers to some public telephone box, probably in the middle of a grotty suburban housing estate or in a slum cleance area, from where you have to make a second call. This is to prove that you are a genuine 'punter' and not just some pervy time-waster. There is a fair chance that, having made your way to the designated call-box, equipped yourself with a phonecard or handful of small change, and dialled the girl's number again, there will be an engaged tone, or no answer, or you will be told to try again later as a client has just walked through the front door! Patience! The average strike rate seems to be aound 40%; make sure you have a second and third number up your sleeve. If you are successful, you will be in for a surprise. The call girls range from the total professionals (middle-aged, wardrobes full of leather and lingerie, videos, s/m equipment), to housewives, casuals, aromatherapists who do some 'relief' on the side, and complete novices and schoolgirl co-operatives. Charges vary considerably; from about UKP25 for a quickie to UKP50-70 for half an hour; more for a long visit or special requirements. To be fair, most of them do not rush you and you will leave feeling reasonably well satisfied. Few have private showers - and their sheer lack of sophistication, their provincial Englishness can be quite stimulating. The oddest one I have come across in this part of the country is a girl called Sophie, who lives in a country mansion near Lymbridge. Her number is 0860 258344. She offers a one-hour nude massage for UKP60, during which she talks incessantly about the evils of the modern world and the stupidity of her other clients. Though not unattractive, hers is a typically British, businesslike and unromantic approach to sex. But she doesn't rush you - you have to make a move when it's time to leave!! This leaves only the fixed-base establishments, of which there are two in Folkestone. I recommend Duos, 01303 273730, at 27 Risborough Road in Cheriton, just a mile or so from the Channel Tunnel. This is a well-run, only slightly sleazy 'spa and sauna' outfit, normally open 11.00-21.00 Mondays to Saturdays. It is quiet. Two girls sit in the front room of a small terraced house waiting for visitors. The room quickly fills with smoke. You will be offered tea or coffee when you arrive, and there is absolutely no pressure to do business: you can sit and chat to the ladies for as long as you like, and leave again if you wish. Charges are as follows: UKP20 admission to the bedroom and use of showers, UKP10 use of spa bath (recommended), UKP10 use of sauna (advance notice required - it takes about 30 mins to warm up!), plus, for the girls, UKP40 relief, or UKP50 French, or UKP60 full sex. Sounds expensive? It isn't, if you think about it. For UKP90 I got: 15 mins chat with two sexy ladies over coffee, then choose one of them, then 10 mins to strip off and have a sexy shower together, then extended cuddles and foreplay on the bed, then 20 mins nude frolics in the spa bath, then 20 mins on the bed (various positions), finally another cuddly, soapy shower, and the offer of more free coffee - I had the time of my life! Sally, who works Mons, Weds and Fridays, is terriffic, and so are quite a few of the others. The only problem seems to be that it is not that busy and some of the girls leave after a few weeks because they don't make that much working there. For punters with time on their hands it's ideal, though. Second option in Folkestone: Sparky's 'Photo Studio', another Kentish oddity. Tel 01303 245125. Near town centre, in a kind of warehouse. Its hours are Mon-Fri, 12.00-23.00. There are two basic options, both of which cost UKP40 for 30 mins. Option 1: take rude pictures of a girl posing in the nude or in an assortment of tarty clothes. Option 2: nude massage with 'hand relief'. A one-hour combination of the two is recommended. They also have video sessions, two-girl sessions can be arranged for UKP80. The girls are friendly and can hold a saucy pose, but maybe not to everyone's liking. Sue is plumpish, motherly, has a very hoarse voice from too much smoking, Jade is young and slim, with good, firm breasts. Both enjoy a laugh, a coarse joke, and don't mind a bit of rough horseplay.
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